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Ever spoken and wished that you could take the words back...or that
>you could crawl into a hole? Here are a few people who do....
>
>I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked
>
>loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned
>around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a
>word... he knew better.
>Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin, TX
>
>==================
>
>I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was
>unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several
>
>minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works
>at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at
>him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
>Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI
>
>===================
>
>Nuts about You
>My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety
>
>of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the
>counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at
>your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and
>I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me
>
>forget.
>Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD
>
>===================
>
>While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
>some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able grab hold of her
>after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told
>her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.
>To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as
>threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I
>
>saw you kissing ! Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening
>after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were
>doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank
>with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed
>behind me were
>screams of laughter.
>Amy Richardson, Stafford, Virginia
>
>====================
>
>A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got
>up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag.
>Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed
>out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX SUPER
>
>SIZE."
>That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently
>misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone,
>
>a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN
>WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
>Diane E. Amov
>
>===================
>
>Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My
>three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on
>him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in
>between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying
>
>my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my
>seven-month-old daughter and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had
>
>not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and
>he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident,
>and I
>don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you
>didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have
>had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo! I asked one
>
>more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up,
>yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "S! EE
>M OM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their
>tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple
>made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
>
>=================
>
>This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very
>embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think
>before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get
>any....a true story...We had a female news anchor who, the day after it
>was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and
>asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not
>only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were
>laughing so hard!
Weird horoscope
A different slant to horoscopes. Be totally honest and you'll be surprised at the interesting results. Enjoy!!
Horoscope Test...
If you are honest this tells the truth - it's pretty good.
Write your answers on a piece of paper. No cheating!! The answers are at the bottom of this page.
1. Write the name of a person of the opposite sex or of the same sex.
2. Which is your favourite colour out of red, black, blue, green, yellow?
3. Your first initial?
4. Your month of birth?
5. Which colour do you like more, black or white?
6. Name of a person of the same sex as yours.
7. Your favourite number?
8. Do you like California or Florida more?
9. Do you like a lake or the ocean more?
10. Write down a wish (a realistic one).
When you're done, scroll down.(Don't cheat)
Answers:
1. You are completely in love with this person.
2. If you choose: Red - You are alert and your life is full of love. Black - you are conservative and aggressive. Green - your soul is relaxed and you are laid back. Blue - you are spontaneous and love kisses and affection from the ones you love. Yellow- you are a very happy person and give good advice to those who are down.
3. If your initial is: A-K You have a lot of love and friendships in your life. L-R You try to enjoy your life to the maximum and your love life is soon to blossom. S-Z You like to help others and your future love life looks very good.
4. If you were born in: Jan-Mar: The year will go very well for you & you will discover that you fall in love with someone totally unexpected. April-June: You will have a strong love relationship that will not last long but the memories will last forever. July-Sep: You will have a great year and will experience a major life-changing experience for the good. Oct-Dec:Your love life will not be too great, but eventually you will find your soul mate.
5. If you chose..... Black: Your life will take on a different direction, it will seem hard at the time but will be the best thing for you, and you will be glad for the change. White: You will have a friend who completely confides in you and would do anything for you, but you may not realize it.
6. This person is your best friend.
7. This is how many close friends you have in your lifetime.
8. If you chose: California: You like adventure. Florida: You are a laid back person.
9. If you chose: Lake: You are loyal to your friends and your lover and are very reserved. Ocean: You are spontaneous and like to please people.
10. This wish will come true only if you send this to five people in one hour. Send it to ten people, and it will come true before your birthday this year!
Weird Things You Would Never Know!!
* Butterflies taste with their feet.
* A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
* In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined.
* On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.
* On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
* Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.
*Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are lready married.
*Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
* Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
* It's possible to lead a cow upstairs... but not downstairs.
* Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
* It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.
*The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year
because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the
weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
* A snail can sleep for three years.
* No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."
* Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
* Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. - SCARY!!!
* The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
* All polar bears are left-handed.
* In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
* An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
* TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.>
* "Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
* If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33.
She would stand seven feet, two inches tall.
* A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
* The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
* Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
* Almost everyone who reads this email will try to lick their elbow.
Don't forget to pass these weird facts on to everyone you know.
They will get a kick out of it !!
You tried to lick your elbow, didn't you?
Undisputable Truths
10 INDISPUTABLE TRUTHS BLACK PEOPLE KNOW, BUT WHITE PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:
1. Elvis is dead.
2. Anything below 45 degrees is cold. You should be wearing a jacket and
long pants.
3. Jesus was not White.
4. Skinny does not equal sexy.
5. Black folks do tan!
6. N' SYNC will never hold a candle to the Jackson 5
7. Thomas Jefferson had black children.
8. Bob Hope has never been funny.
9. In his prime, Joe Louis would have beat the tar out of Rocky
Marciano.(So would Muhammad Ali)
10. Money isn't everything.
10 INDISPUTABLE TRUTHS WHITE PEOPLE KNOW, BUT BLACK PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:
1. Tupac is dead.
2. Gold plating does not make everything better.
3. Having a ring on every finger is too much.
4. O.J. did it
5. Teeth should not be decorated.
6. There are some outfits that hats don't go with.
7. Jesse Jackson will never be President.
8. Larry Bird could play.
9. Your rims and sound system should not be worth more than your car.
10. Your pastor doesn't know everything.
10 THINGS WHITE AND BLACK PEOPLE KNOW BUT SPANISH PEOPLE DON'T
1. Chicken is food, not a roommate
2. Its the Yankees not the Jankees
3. Your country's flag is not a decoration for the hood of your car
4. If _______(fill in the blank with your country)is so beautiful and nice,
what are you doing here???
5. Mami and Papi can't possibly be the nickname of every person in your
family
6. Buttoning just the top button of your shirt is a bad fashion statement
7. There are other foods beside Arroz con Pollo
8. Jesus is not a name for your son
9. Maria is a name but not for every other daughter
10. Despite what Rita Moreno sang.......EVERYTHING IS NOT FREE IN AMERICA
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When you are sad,.............
I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the scum sucking bastard who made you sad.
When you are blue,.........
I'll try to dislodge whatever's choking you.
When you smile,............
I'll know you finally got laid.
When you are scared,.........
I will rag you about it every chance I get.
When you are worried,.........
I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.
When you are confused,........
I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass.
When you are sick.........
Stay away from me until you're well again, I don't want whatever you have.
When you fall......
I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
This is my oath...............
I pledge till the end.
Why you may ask?........
Because you're my friend.
Perspective
If we could shrink the earth's population to a village of precisely 100
people with all the existing human ratios remaining the same, it would look
something like the following. There would be:
57 Asians
21 Europeans
14 North, Central, and South Americans
8 Africans
52 would be female
48 would be male
70 would be non-white
30 would be white
70 would be non-Christian
30 would be Christian
89 would be heterosexual
11 would be homosexual
6 people would possess 59% of the entire world's wealth
and all 6 would be from the United States.
80 would live in substandard housing
70 would be unable to read
50 would suffer from malnutrition
1 would be near death; 1 would be near birth
1 (yes, only 1) would have a college education
1 would own a computer
When one considers our world from such a compressed
perspective, the need for acceptance, understanding and
education becomes glaringly apparent.
The following is also something to ponder...If you
woke up this morning with more health than illness...your faring better
than the one million who will not survive this week.
If you have never experienced the danger of battle,the loneliness of
imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation...you
are ahead of 500 million people in the world.
If you can attend a religious meeting without fear of
harassment, arrest, torture, or death...think of the more
than three billion people in the world that can't.
If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your
back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep, you are richer
than 75% of this world.
If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and
spare change in a dish someplace ... you are among the top 8%
of the world's wealthy.
If your parents are still alive and still married ...
you are very rare, even in the United States and Canada.
Someone once said: What goes around comes around. Work
like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been hurt. Dance
like nobody's watching. Sing like nobody's listening.
HoW To Tell If Your Cat Is Male Or Female
Entertaining....
Are you qualified to be a "Professional"?
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether
you are qualified to be a "professional."
Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close
the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an
overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, "Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the
refrigerator?" (Wrong Answer)
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the
elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the
repercussions of your previous actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals
attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You
just put him in there. This tests your memory.
OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you
still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross but it is inhabited by crocodiles.
How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You swim across. All the crocodiles are attending the
Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals
they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several
correct answers.
Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most
professionals have the brains of a four year old.
Programming Issues
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that
the
new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules,
limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated
flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such
as
Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA
3.0.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the
system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no
avail.
Desperate
Dear Desperate,
Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband
1.0
is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/ I THOUGHT YOU
LOVED
ME
and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the
applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can
cause
Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, Happyhour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Beer
6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly wave files.
DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.
These
are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
memory
and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional
software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 and
Lingerie 5.3.
Also, running Nagging 5.3 too often can sometimes cause Husband 1.0 to
secretly install Mistress 1.0, which would then require you to run
Private
Investigator 7.5 utility and possibly even Attorney 9.0, which could
lead
to
a system wide failure and the need to reboot Husband 1.0!
Everybody clear on this now?
--Tech
just a little fatherly advice
To all fathers who are trying to raise daughters and are concerned
about the opposite sex, I've collected some gems of practical
wisdom
for your consumption:
Commandment # 1
If you pull into my driveway and honk. . .you'd better be
delivering a package because you are sure not picking anything
up.
Commandment #2
Do not touch my daughter in front of me. . . do not peer at
anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands
off
of
her, I will remove them.
Commandment # 3
If your trousers appear to be hanging too loosely about your
hips with your underwear showing, I will fasten your trousers
securely
in place with my electric nail gun.
Commandment # 4
Because you are a popular fellow, I am sure you could date
many
other girls, however, once you have dated my daughter you will
date
no
one else until she is finished with you. If you make her cry,
will
make you cry.
Commandment # 5
The following is a partial list of inappropriate places for a
date with my daughter; places where there are no parents,
policemen
or
nuns in eyesight, places where there is darkness, dancing,
holding
hands and apparent happiness. Movies with strong romantic
themes
are
to be avoided. Movies which feature chainsaws are OK. Hockey
games
are OK. Old folks homes are better.
Commandment # 6
Never lie to the "old man." I may appear to be balding,
over-the-hill and beyond repair but relative to my daughter, I
am
the
all-knowing merciless god of your universe. You have one
chance to
tell me the truth. I have shotgun, a shovel and five acres
behind
the
house. Do not trifle with me.
Commandment # 7
Always be afraid. The sound of your car and an approaching
Huey
over a rice paddy are very similar to my ears. Certain reflex
actions
automatically kick in and the voices in my head make me clean
my
weapon. As soon as you pull into the driveway, you should exit
with
both hands in plain sight, speak the perimeter password and
announce
in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely
and
early, then return to your car. There is no need for you to
come
inside. The camouflaged face in the window is mine.
Just some practical, good, ol' fashioned, solid advice for
every
protective Marine father !
Semper Fi to God, Country and Corps . . . and back to
mission.
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TWO TOUGH QUESTIONS
Question 1:
If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already,
three who were deaf, two who were blind,
one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would you recommend
that she have an abortion?
Read the next question before looking at the answer for this one.
Question 2:
It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote
counts. Here are the facts about the three leading
candidates.
Candidate A -
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with
astrologists.
He's had two Mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10
martinisa day.
Candidate B -
He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used
opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening
Candidate C -
He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke,
drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.
Which of these candidates would be your choice? Decide first,
no peeking, then scroll down for the answer.
------------------------------------------------------------
Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.
And, by the way, the answer to the abortion question: If you said yes,
you just killed Beethoven.
Pretty interesting isn't it?
Makes a person think before judging someone.
Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember:
Amateurs built the ark.
Professionals built the Titanic
and in case you never saw this one......
Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more
than 500 employees and has the following statistics:
* 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
* 7 have been arrested for fraud
* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2
businesses
* 3 have done time for assault
* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year
Can you guess which organization this is?
Give up yet?
It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same
group of idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year
designed to keep the rest of us in line.
Bless this Day
May this day be blessed with gifts
Lessons, understanding and friends
May my energy be a gift to all I meet
Let me be centered, healing and open
May I face the day with courage
kindness, insight and compassion
May my spirit and body, honor this day
To my Ya Ya's
Remember when:
You were born a daughter.
You looked up to your mother.
You looked up to your father.
You looked up to everyone.
You wanted to be a princess.
You wanted to own a horse.
You wanted your brother to be a horse.
You wanted to wear pink.
You never wanted to wear pink.
You wanted to be a teacher.
You wanted to be President
You were picked last for the team.
You refused to be on the team.
You hid during algebra.
You wanted boys to notice you.
You were afraid boys would notice you.
You started to get acne.
You started to get breasts.
You started to get acne that was bigger than
your breasts.
You wouldn't wear a bra.
You couldn't wait to wear a bra.
You couldn't fit your breasts in a bra.
You didn't like the way you looked.
You didn't like the way your parents looked.
You didn't want to grow up.
You had your first best friend.
You had your first date.
You spent hours on the telephone.
You were kissed.
You got to kiss back.
You spent hours on the telephone.
You didn't go to prom.
You went to the prom with the wrong person.
You spent hours on the telephone.
You thought you fell in love.
You lost your first best friend.
You got a new best friend.
You really fell in love.
You became a steady girlfriend.
You became significant to somebody.
You became significant to yourself.
Sooner or later, you start to take yourself
seriously.
You know when you need a break.
You know when you need a rest.
You know what to get worked up about and what
to get rid of.
You know when it's time to take care of
yourself, and for yourself
to do something that makes you stronger,
faster, more confident.
You know it's never too late to live life and
never too late
to change.
Friends are angels who lift us to our feet
when our wings
have trouble remembering how to fly.
Truly great friends are hard to find,
difficult to leave,
and impossible to forget.
You know you're from jersey if...
You went to Seaside after your senior prom.
You watched "Mallrats" and said, "I've been to that mall!"
At least half the people you knew in high school went to Rutgers.
Your big class trip in elementary school was to Morristown.
You know that the only people who call it "Joisey" are from New York.
You've been to the Meadowlands Fair.
You've planned a local trip around passing at least one Dunkin' Donuts.
You don't think of citrus when people mention "The Oranges."
You know that it's called "Great Adventure," not "Six Flags."
You actually know bakeries that are not part of a supermarket, but are individual stores.
You've gone to a diner after drinking all night.
You've eaten at that diner at 3 a.m. at least a dozen times.
"Anyone who makes bad pizza can go to hell" is your attitude.
You always use a minimum of 10 variations of the word "damn" while driving.
You don't have to go to Red Lobster to get fresh seafood.
You once said "It smells like New York in here."
You can go bowling at 1:30 a.m. (with automatic scoring!)
In high school you, or someone you know, worked at a Friendly's or Stewart's.
The Garden State Parkway doesn't freak you out at night.
You know what a "jug handle" is.
You have mandatory recycling, enforced by law.
You've eaten a pork roll and cheese on a hard roll, and liked it.
You go to the boardwalk at least once a year.
You've pondered, "Maybe basketball would be more popular in New Jersey if the Nets weren't here."
Even your high school cafeteria made good Italian subs.
You've lived through hurricanes, nor'easters, and brushfires, but have never seen a tornado, earthquake, tsunami, or
volcano.
You can't believe MTV went to Seaside Heights.
You know that ACME is an actual store, not just a Warner Bros. creation.
You only go to New York City for day trips.
You've run out of money on the Parkway.
You know where to get a great bagel.
There are no self-serve gas stations, and you like it that way.
You know how to successfully handle a traffic circle.
The Jets/Giants game has started fights at your school and/or local bar.
Your car is covered with yellow-green dust in April and May.
You can't understand why there aren't more 24-hour diners anywhere else in the country.
You live within 45 minutes of at least three different malls.
You can see the New York City skyline from some part of your town.
You know what MCCC is and a good percentage of people from your high school go there.
You've seen, or been in, a fight between a Rangers fan and a Devils fan.
You have, or know someone who has, Mafia connections.
You're related to someone who thinks the New York Jets should be called the New Jersey Jets.
You have at least one friend who drives a truck.
You've been camping.
You've been in a town or city where Spanish is spoken more than English.
You can't remember when Clifton didn't win a softball championship.
You know where to get drugs in Trenton, Paterson, Newark, or New York.
You've been to a party in the woods.
You've purchased fireworks in Chinatown.
You liked the Jets even before last season.
You know where to get a freshly cooked Taylor Ham, Egg, and Cheese sandwich at 2 a.m.
You don't take no crap from no one.
You remember Action Park and may have been seriously injured there.
At some time you got on the wrong highway trying to get out of Willowbrook mall.
Z-100 used to be your favorite radio station, now it's K-Rock.
Anything less than three inches of snow isn't worth much.
Someone on the road cut you off and you used at least four swear words to
tell them what you thought.
You think people from South Jersey talk funny.
You know someone who lives in a neighborhood with contaminated water, because of toxic chemicals.
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